Friday, December 2, 2011

Right Where I Am: 2 years, 8 months, 23 days

Posted by Leslie at 1:59 AM
This post is for the "Right Where I Am" project at Still Life. It's a way to talk about grief in terms of where I am in it within the time that has passed. Check out the link for more details.

I had to use an online calculator to determined how long it had been, in years & months & days, that my son exited my life so very suddenly. It's funny how it had been so long since it happened, yet the actual moments .. all of them, however painful, is still so fresh in my mind. I stumbled upon this project & wish I would have found it sooner. Or maybe not. Maybe I had to be farther along in this grief to really appreciate this project for what it is trying to do.

Where are you in your grief? Emotionally. Physically. Psychically.

My grief used to be an entity of it's own. It breathed. It existed. Even beyond the confines of my body, my soul, my mind & my heart. I kind of see grief as the "nothing" from the Neverending Story. All consuming. Sweeping through the valleys, hills, oceans, skies, stars of my very being & making it disappear. While I have come to an idea of WHO I am now, the Leslie that existed before those moments of my son's death died along with him. She is gone. Buried beneath the soil in a tiny white casket filled with pictures & toys & baby items & letters from older siblings. She died with her son. I took her place. So where am I now?

This grief doesn't consume like it once did. It is not an engulfing flame that takes away my oxygen & leaves me gasping for air. It used to be like that. I am at a point where it is not anymore. But it is still there. Hiding in dark places. Causing small cracks here or there in the exterior that the outside world sees. It is there in the moments where I enjoy my living children & then feel the stab in my heart when I realize someone is missing or that he won't experience a milestone. I try to tell grief to leave me be. To let something else take the spotlight once in a while.

Emotionally.. I am okay. Simply okay. I find joys in my hobbies & pastimes. For example, I am doing a show at a local theater & before I step onto that stage, I tell my son, my Dexter, that everything I am doing out there is for him. My inspiration is that if I sing out enough during a performance that it will reach Heaven & he will hear it.

Physically: I am striving to be healthier. I'll be honest .. after losing him I stopped caring. I couldn't see the point anymore. It took me a while to realize that I couldn't help his memory live on if I was gone. I know that my time will come one day & when it does.. I will see him again. 'til then, my living children deserve 100% of a mother for them. & I hope I do that for them.

2 years, 8 months, 23 days. In that time my life has turned in so many ways. I had my rainbow baby, Dexter's little brother, Milo .. who brings me healing & joy. I've gotten engaged. I am pursuing the arts again. I am deciding where my life needs to go. I am finding faith. I do not think that losing my son was for a reason. I think it happened. & because it happened, I had to find reason in LIVING again. & I think I have. Because I know that he would want his mother to see the sunlight & not just the darkness within the 'nothing' of grief.

Grief? Yes, I still experience it. But just like my 'new normal' ... it's existing in it's own state of new normal. Like me, it will evolve as I do. But it will always be there.

To my dear son, Dexter. Mommy misses you so much. You precious moments on Earth changed everything. & if I had to do it all over again knowing that you still had to leave .. I would. Because fitting a lifetime's worth of love in 11 hours is better than to have not loved you at all. I love you. & I know I'll hear you say those words to me one day when we meet again.


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