Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

My emotions are complicated right now. I guess maybe it's because I have Milo. I am overjoyed that I have him but I am being pulled apart between feeling that joy & grieving for Dexter. Plus the fact we are doing a mini-party for Avery's birthday which is on the 16th. I don't want to spend the day with a plastered smile on my face when inside my heart is still very much broken. It will be 3 years in March.. I can't believe it. It feels like yesterday but still so distant.

I know that reintegrating God into my life is helping. I know for some it doesn't & I believe in their right to be angry. I was there too. & some may never leave that place of anger. I feel angry sometimes, but mostly I ache. Even when a preemie 14 week old baby.. my arms still ache for the son that left too soon. I guess it is a little bit disheartening to know that my skies will never be fully blue. The grey will always be there in some form; despite the sun & rainbows shining once in a while .. it's forever grey.

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. (& really it's ALL MONTH.) I know that breast cancer is important & I fully support it's awareness as well. But those of us who have lost babies .. we deserve to have our children recognized. At least TODAY. So maybe you will join me in remembering them. They were tiny .. but IMPORTANT.

Mommy & Daddy miss you so much Dexter. Thank you for being our son.

Letters to Dexter (#1)

I am starting a new series on my blog. I will have periodic letters to my son, Dexter, as entries.

Dear Dexter,

I wish I would have done this sooner. But maybe it's taken me this long to get the courage to write you letters. I think I tried at the beginning but I was just so overwhelmed by everything that it didn't last long. Here I am now. We are coming up on 3 years since you died in March. Sometimes I step back & look at my life & I can't believe that I live this. I think recently, though, I am feeling the happiest I have been since you went away.

Thank you for sending us our rainbow baby Milo. I know that you had a hand in choosing him especially for us. He looks so much like you. It amazes me to think that you are a big brother now. I think of you & still see a tiny baby in my arms. I wonder if you are aging in Heaven. If you are really a toddler there. I hope one day when I see you again.. I can hold you like a baby for a little while. I am sure it will happen. I know that I will be telling Milo all about you. I know that Milo might not be here had it not been for having a guardian angel brother looking out for him. He brings us so much joy. I know that he has brought some healing into our lives simply by being here with us.

As we approach the holidays, I am feeling your absence more. It is hard to be together as a family knowing there is a gaping hole where you should be. I do my best to work through it. Mommy & big brother Ian are doing another Christmas show at the theater. I know that it will help me get through the holidays again. Last year it really helped & I know it will this time too. It feels like such a long time ago really. I wish you could have been here with us so you could do shows one day too. I try to honor you when I do a show by wearing your picture on a pendant during one of the performances. When I do this.. I do it for you. I know you are watching & listening.

Thank you for touching Daddy's heart & letting him ask me to marry him. He made me the happiest person on the planet. I am looking forward to being his wife. I can't want to be a proper family. Well as close as possible. We won't be a whole family 'til we can be with you too. I plan on honoring you at our wedding.. I know you'll be there.

I miss you. You are forever my little boy & I love you.

Love,
Mommy

A Puzzle That Can Never Be Finished

We are getting my engagement ring today(Friday). This whole thing will a lot more real at that point. For the first time since my son died, I feel SO blessed. I have a wonderful fiance, amazing kids, my rainbow baby, now I am engaged & I even got cast in a musical (Miracle on 34th Street) this Christmas at the local community theater. This is probably the happiest I have been recently other than when we got to take Milo home from the long NICU stay. Yes, we are tired, sleep deprived, covered in baby chaos & spit up: but we are JOYOUS!

My fiance (I am LOVING saying that..) posted on his Facebook recently that a student at school said he looked different. He mentioned he had a different hairstyle but the student replied that no... it was that he looked HAPPY. We are happy & it's a wonderful feeling. It's nice when the world looks more filled with hope than hopelessness.

It's a balance though. As I start to plan my wedding, I think about who will be missing. My son, Dexter, won't be there in a little suit with his other siblings. Dexter would be 3 years, 8.1 months old on our wedding date. It's so hard to imagine what he would be like. How he'd look in his little suit. Would he look like his Daddy or his Mommy? Or like his siblings? What words would be saying? It feels like only yesterday I held him in my arms for those brief moments of life. Yet, it feels far away like a distant nightmare that my mind just can't shake. Sometimes I feel in limbo with my grief. I am grasping & holding tightly to this happy feeling.. but at the same time guilty for feeling so happy when something is indeed missing. Not to mention that my Dad died before he could meet our rainbow baby OR be here for my engagement & wedding. So again.. my Dad won't be able to give me away.

I am realizing that my life is a puzzle. A puzzle that is missing pieces of it. Pieces that are lost for an undetermined amount of time. I will just have to make do with the holes & figure out a way to try & cover them up with some bits of happiness.

Busy busy bee!

It's been crazy around here. Sometimes I wonder if I spread myself too thin. I did an audition tonight with my oldest boy for Miracle on 34th Street. I think I nailed my singing audition .. so I am hoping to know if I got a role by Friday. I actually asked for one of the smaller roles in the musical. I was going to do that part in another show this summer but I ended up having Milo the day of the main dress rehearsal. So.... that didn't happen. My son played... well my son. He did the show, I didn't. So we both tried for those parts again. Crossing our fingers we got it. It'd be nice to do a show together again.

In other news.... I got ENGAGED on Sunday. :) I am beyond happy. & still shocked. We are getting my ring on Friday.. it was so impromptu we didn't even have that. But it's something I never thought would occur. So having my rainbow & a future wedding.. I am the happiest woman in the world right now. If I get a part in the show.. I will say that 2011 is officially my favorite year of all time. I am making a wedding blog so I don't clutter this place with it. I will link to it here when it's done.

Milo is doing well. Had a good Exorcist-style spit up earlier, but I shifted the way I burped him & it seems to be helping. I am not sure if the Zantac is working or not. But he seems happy either way. He has a ped appointment this Friday. I am hoping he's gained a good amount of weight. All in all..things are good!

Through the grey skies.. I see blue.