another reminder

My blog has moved to: http://throughgreyskies.net.tc / http://throughgreyskies.tumblr.com

Thanks!

NEW BLOG LOCATION

MY BLOG IS NOW LOCATED AT: HTTP://THROUGHGREYSKIES.NET.TC

MY WEDDING BLOG IS NOW LOCATED AT: HTTP://GEEKSINLOVE.NET.TC

THANKS!

Right Where I Am: 2 years, 8 months, 23 days

This post is for the "Right Where I Am" project at Still Life. It's a way to talk about grief in terms of where I am in it within the time that has passed. Check out the link for more details.

I had to use an online calculator to determined how long it had been, in years & months & days, that my son exited my life so very suddenly. It's funny how it had been so long since it happened, yet the actual moments .. all of them, however painful, is still so fresh in my mind. I stumbled upon this project & wish I would have found it sooner. Or maybe not. Maybe I had to be farther along in this grief to really appreciate this project for what it is trying to do.

Where are you in your grief? Emotionally. Physically. Psychically.

My grief used to be an entity of it's own. It breathed. It existed. Even beyond the confines of my body, my soul, my mind & my heart. I kind of see grief as the "nothing" from the Neverending Story. All consuming. Sweeping through the valleys, hills, oceans, skies, stars of my very being & making it disappear. While I have come to an idea of WHO I am now, the Leslie that existed before those moments of my son's death died along with him. She is gone. Buried beneath the soil in a tiny white casket filled with pictures & toys & baby items & letters from older siblings. She died with her son. I took her place. So where am I now?

This grief doesn't consume like it once did. It is not an engulfing flame that takes away my oxygen & leaves me gasping for air. It used to be like that. I am at a point where it is not anymore. But it is still there. Hiding in dark places. Causing small cracks here or there in the exterior that the outside world sees. It is there in the moments where I enjoy my living children & then feel the stab in my heart when I realize someone is missing or that he won't experience a milestone. I try to tell grief to leave me be. To let something else take the spotlight once in a while.

Emotionally.. I am okay. Simply okay. I find joys in my hobbies & pastimes. For example, I am doing a show at a local theater & before I step onto that stage, I tell my son, my Dexter, that everything I am doing out there is for him. My inspiration is that if I sing out enough during a performance that it will reach Heaven & he will hear it.

Physically: I am striving to be healthier. I'll be honest .. after losing him I stopped caring. I couldn't see the point anymore. It took me a while to realize that I couldn't help his memory live on if I was gone. I know that my time will come one day & when it does.. I will see him again. 'til then, my living children deserve 100% of a mother for them. & I hope I do that for them.

2 years, 8 months, 23 days. In that time my life has turned in so many ways. I had my rainbow baby, Dexter's little brother, Milo .. who brings me healing & joy. I've gotten engaged. I am pursuing the arts again. I am deciding where my life needs to go. I am finding faith. I do not think that losing my son was for a reason. I think it happened. & because it happened, I had to find reason in LIVING again. & I think I have. Because I know that he would want his mother to see the sunlight & not just the darkness within the 'nothing' of grief.

Grief? Yes, I still experience it. But just like my 'new normal' ... it's existing in it's own state of new normal. Like me, it will evolve as I do. But it will always be there.

To my dear son, Dexter. Mommy misses you so much. You precious moments on Earth changed everything. & if I had to do it all over again knowing that you still had to leave .. I would. Because fitting a lifetime's worth of love in 11 hours is better than to have not loved you at all. I love you. & I know I'll hear you say those words to me one day when we meet again.

So much for blog posting month..

So I fell flat on my face after 11 days of the NaBloPoMo thing. I guess the increasing rehearsal schedule for Miracle on 34th Street at the Henegar Center is just taking too much of time right now. By the time I get home I just want to eat dinner, spend time with the fiance & then possible nap between Milo feedings. (One of those is coming up in about 15 minutes actually.) I am okay with being busy. Doing a show fills my time up & it fills my heart too. Despite all the hard work & even the frustrations of the process, I LOVE it. It makes me feel like I am a part of something. There are times where I just don't feel like that.

I have been feeling nostalgic & been looking up people I used to know. See where they are & how they ended up. I had luck with some, none with others. I see that some people are still friends with those they knew back then. I think that's wonderful. Makes me wish I still had some of thos friendships. However, I do have wonderful friends now & I hope these adult friendships are the ones I will have in the coming years.

I really need to update the wedding website & blog. When I do that I will post some links here. I don't want to clutter this blog with just wedding stuff. There IS some stuff going on with that. Mainly a potential wedding party member that doesn't seem to want to let go of certain things & play by the rules of being in this wedding. I don't want to be a Bridezilla-type, but when it will affect communicating with the wedding party because I am block by someone, then it affects the whole wedding & I got to put my foot down to that. That is the only thing I am saying about it. I am keeping names out of it. Those close to me know the situation. I will leave it with one thing: The heaviest burden to carry is a grudge. Just sayin'....

I am attempting to be a bit more social & trying to make more friends within the show. I added several new people on Facebook & even had some lunch with a few. I am hoping to have lasting friendships within the theater community as well.

I am newly obsessed with the TV show "Once Upon A Time". I can't wait for the next episode already! I joined a million groups for it on Livejournal already. So excited. I am also excited that I am getting Ian a nice present tomorrow off of Freecycle. I hope it all goes off without a hitch. & then Friday we are seeing our friend Becky from Pajama Game in the musical "Chicago". I am so excited!

On the homefront things are going well. Ian's grades have gone up & he managed to get onto honor roll despite having some rough patches. & he is doing well, along with the show too. So I am very proud! He is having to miss a school dance & a performance for his chorus (teacher said it was okay) because of Miracle. But he has a commitment & I think this teaches him about responsibility.

I cooked a good meal tonight. Fried chicken that I put roasted pepper sauce on. It was yummy with a red potato & corn for the sides. I enjoy cooking for my man. I am glad that he seems to enjoy the meals I prepare. I am not really known for being a good cook. That's why my dear fiance is flying with Thanksgiving. He loves it. Though I am making my green bean casserole & bacon wrapped asparagus. :) I am hoping to have lots of people over. I might see if anyone is alone for Thanksgiving & see if we can invite them.

Time to feed the baby. Just one more hour & I can go to sleep. Maybe I'll catnap after I feed Milo. These creepy movies I'm watching probably won't help. :P I've had some interesting & weird dreams lately. Maybe I need to not watch some of this stuff at night. :P

One Big Blob..

It is really hard for me to write a post a day when my days are melting together into one big BLOB. I am unsure what is up or what is down. I can't even really tell you what day it is. To me, it's Thursday right now since I have not been asleep yet. Robert is sleeping in more than usual because he doesn't have to work tomorrow (Friday...) so I can sleep in later. But not by too much. I need to hit Walmart & Goodwill, the post office.. Then the theater to work on costumes for my character(s). It's not a rehearsal night, but the lovely stage manager asked if anyone would mind coming in just for that. No problemo! It will give me some alone time out of the house. I am just looking forward to sleeping I will be doing in about an hour.

That's parenthood. One big blob. But it's an enjoyable blob. :)

Wordless Wednesday (Day 9 of NaBloPoMo!)

Day 8 - NaBloPoMo (Haiku edition!)

Here I am. Still awake. I decided this post will be a haiku post. Why? 'cause I feel like it. Tomorrow is Wordless Wednesday..I'll probably end up posting a picture from my 30 day photography challenge. :)

night comes much sooner
when time has fallen backwards
right into winter