Sunday, July 24, 2011

Minor Setbacks

Posted by Leslie at 1:59 AM 0 comments
Milo had a few setbacks today. He got put back in his nasal cannula & on caffeine again due to increased apnea/brady spells. He is a preemie so I KNOW, rationally, that this is something that will happen during his time in the NICU. But sometimes being a mother is anything but rational thinking. You feel everything. Your heart & soul is invested into this little baby you made. These setbacks, however minor, hit me so hard.

I was holding him as he had his feeding. He is up to 38cc's every three hours now. That's amazing, but it felt like near the end of his feeding.. no matter what angle I held him, he would drop his sats. His monitor went off several times. He had a brady spell as well. Perhaps the disappointment of walking in & seeing the cannula back on was what set the tone. Quickly I became unable to handle the beeps & alarms in the whole room. Every time I heard one my heart would skip a beat & my head would immediately whip to look at his monitor. Every time his sats dropped down or caused an alarm.. my heart would sink. In the end, after feeding him, I had to put him back into his little plastic crib (he doesn't need help regulating his heat, which is good..), kissed him goodnight, told him I loved him & I had to get the hell out of there. I found myself nearly losing it in the bathroom. I felt overwhelmed & overstimulated. Part of me felt like I really needed a break from being there. I know that might seem horrible. But to have to walk into a unit like that & see your child there. To feel like he's not even yours yet. When a nurse says, "You want to change his diaper?" .. part of me wants to look at them like they have three heads & say, "Am I allowed?"

Of course I am. I am his MOTHER. I gave birth to him. He is MY son.

But it doesn't feel like that yet. You know, moments before I went into the unit, I was scrubbing up & confidently talking to his Daddy about how I was sure that he would be transferred back to Holmes. The night before I felt comfortable enough to fold his freshly laundered baby clothes & put them away in his drawer. I talked about how I wanted to get the crib put together & fix up his room & build the rocking chair my dad bought us for Dexter. How I wanted to get the ton of newborn diapers I received all set up on his changing table. Immediately as I was leaving the unit tonight, I felt a sense of dread. Of feeling like I jinxed it. That I become too comfortable with envisioning leaving the hospital with a baby eventually. I had that vision while pregnant. It didn't happen. I am desperately holding onto being positive. I know that these setbacks aren't major. I feel kind of dumb to even be worrying to this level, but unless you have also experienced a loss like we did with Dexter.. then you can't even begin to understand the worries I have within me. We just want to be happy & have our family.

& we will. I know we will. I know it. & once I have him in my arms being taken home.. I'll believe it.

A bright side note: He gained 40 grams since the last time he was weighed. He was 1965 grams. Which puts him over his birth weight (4 lbs, 4 oz) at 4 lbs, 5.31 oz. <3

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Each Passing Day

Posted by Leslie at 2:29 AM 0 comments
With each passing day .. I feel more confident in bringing my son home. I didn't think that being positive would be this hard. But after experiencing the loss that we have, you can't help but be cautious at every turn. It is a struggle between loving him so much & wanting to protect myself as well. My heart was broken when Dexter died. It's been broken beyond repair. It's gotten better but it will never fully be healed. Milo has definitely brought a healing into my life, but at the same time, it was a large hole to fill. I love ALL my children equally. I am blessed to have become their mother. But even Mommy needs to try & keep the sorrow from her heart.

But I don't want to focus on the sorrow, I want to focus on the hope. I have hope & love & dreams that are coming true. I couldn't ask for anything more right now. Except maybe money. :P

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Worst Part...

Posted by Leslie at 3:26 AM 0 comments
... of having a preemie baby in the NICU is the uncertainty that goes along with it. I am becoming more confident that I am bringing my baby home at the end of this experience, but I am always worried about other things: will that baby be healthy? Will he having anything wrong with him because of his prematurity? What is going to happen with his suspected CHD? Are his eyes okay? His brain? Everything?? I can sometimes feel the walls closing in on me with different worries about my son? I am happy he is doing well, I guess I just glance up into the sky waiting to see that other shoe drop down from the clouds. I struggle with trying to be positive already in my life. Having this to face with that.. it's daunting. I try to take it one day at a time. I savor every second I have with my son. He is my son & I love him no matter what. I will love him til the end of time & beyond. Nothing can ever change that.

I don't have much else to say other than that. I'll be glad to have a moment where I don't have worry. I'm exhausted from worry.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Missing Milo

Posted by Leslie at 3:26 AM 0 comments
I decided I really needed an outlet for the more personal side of having a baby in the NICU for an undetermined amount of time. I didn't want to make my livejournal be consumed with just that. Or to monopolize my Facebook either. Sometimes those status boxes just don't hold nearly enough letters to fully let me speak my mind about what I am going through right now. There are times I think no one fully understands. I am sure that isn't true, but there is a definite disconnect that I am feeling from the rest of the world right now.

Right now Milo is 1 week, 3 days old. Gestational age 30 weeks, 4 days. I feel like reaching his due date is going to take forever. I can't see past the next moment right now. I am trying to feel positive.. like still thinking about shopping for baby stuff. I just got a whole bunch of newborn diapers from friends. I am looking forward to going to Once Upon A Child & getting things, but yet I can't get the image of being given Milo to take home. I do try. I want to daydream about that. I even jokingly tell the boyfriend that I better have It's A Boy balloons when we take him home. I talk to people about when he gets home & his future adventures. I have to believe that this will happen. The support & positivity of friends has definitely helped keep me grounded in that respect & been a lifeline from falling into a deep crevice of despair & hopelessness. If I lose hope, I'll go to a dark place that will be hard to return from. I can't let that happen. Because Milo needs me.

I can't want to see him tomorrow (or today, as it's already well into Sunday). Will have to figure out the kids but I can at least sleep in a bit as Ian's theater schedule has dwindled down. I am glad he had fun though. I wish it was still going because I know he needs the distraction. I know he is much more affected by all this than he lets on. He's not as easy to talk to anymore though. I try not to be hard on him, but I know I am having a hard time controlling my emotions right now too. It's very difficult. I know I get upset & frustrated a lot easier. I am coping the best I can. I will focus on making his birthday coming up as awesome as possible. He needs me too.

I need sleep. Even though it doesn't come as easily anymore. Instead of waking up to a baby crying, I wake up to run to the phone to make sure I haven't missed anything important. Contrary to what people might think .. I'm not "getting a break" like some might think because I am not caring for Milo constantly. It's worse. I'd much rather be changing diapers & feeding all hours of the night than to have come home with empty arms again & be away from my child.

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