Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Ups & Downs

Posted by Leslie at 2:35 AM
I am going through so many ups & downs. & not even because Milo is doing badly or anything. In fact, he is doing well. Still cruising. No new orders from the doctors which means to me that he isn't doing worse. He went a few days without any apnea/brady spells & that is awesome. I guess he had one today that they had to stimulate him a bit. I want to be happy that he went days without one but my mind goes into immediate worry mode because he had one that was a bit worse than some of the others. I do my best to tell myself: preemies do this! But how often do we really listen to ourselves? I know that I've always had issues with listening to that still small voice & instead listening to the big booming one that screams worst case scenarios in my head. I really need to stop listening to the voices all together.

I suppose my biggest deal is that I have no focal point for Milo's homecoming. Yes, he makes great progress. Gaining weight (5lbs, 10oz today!) & up to 3 bottle feedings per day. He has his up days & down days, just like I do. But there is no light on the horizon that I can set a course to. I am just wandering around blindly at this point. Do I believe I am taking home my alive, relatively healthy baby? Yes, eventually. Does it feel like I ever will? Not at the moment. It feels like it will never happen.

I think too much. That's the problem. I have this energy that was there after giving birth .. to care for a baby. I don't get to do a lot of that yet. So this energy is just consuming me. I'm trying to find things to do. The blogging helps. I am working on several projects that I will be talking about soon. But I still like a new mommy with no baby & it makes me feel so useless! I organize Milo's drawer under his bed whenever I visit him. I take home dirty clothes & bring hi fresh & clean ones. I want to feel like he belongs to me... he doesn't yet. & that's all I really want. I know it will happen when it is supposed to. I just need to focus on getting out of the NICU because honestly... the NICU itself is a HUGE trigger for my anxiety, my grief, my stress. My last baby never left it.. I want to be positive about this time around. But I am experiencing a new type of grief: the loss of my hopes for a normal pregnancy, normal birth, full-term baby... it was ripped from me. & it's a REAL loss. & I am definitely mourning it.

The ups & downs are driving me crazy.


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