Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Relating Doesn't Equal Friendship...

Posted by Leslie at 1:18 AM
...or how I fell into the same trap I've always fallen into all my life.

Hi, my name is Leslie & I have trouble connecting to people.

Or is it that they have trouble connecting to me?

I have had this problem since I can remember. The first day of kindergarten..someone teasing me & being shocked to discover that outside the safe haven of my grandmother & mother, that not everyone automatically loved me. Or even liked me. I can remember crying on my way home, wondering why someone hadn't told me that I was too short according to society's standards & that my nose was too big & I was wearing the wrong outfit. Of course, these were in more 5 year old sentences, but that was the basic gist of it.

It was from that point on that I started my list of "Leslie Flaws" in my own head. That list continues today & even includes those bullet points that were added at the mere age of 5. The only difference is that I tend to handle it better as an adult that I did as a child. But even I have those cracks that stuff seeps through to the inside where it isn't so hardened & protected.

I can easily list 10 things that are wrong with me that would not make someone like me. I get reminded a lot about the things that make me unworthy. Even when people may not even intend to do that. Half of the time it's not even really their fault. I've always had a perpetual feeling of being on the outside looking in. From not being allowed to play 4-square with a group of popular girls in 3rd grade to being excluded by my boyfriend's best friend to coming to his birthday party because he doesn't like me, despite me being the mother of my boyfriend's children & possibly a future wife in the distant future. It always felt like people thought it was okay to push me aside & let me watch from afar, but never be included.

But it's not okay. At least not to me.

I know this sounds like some big whinefest, butthurt rambling. & I guess it is. In the end I don't think I'll ever get over my base feelings of inadequacy or loneliness. How cliche but how true.. I can be in a crowded room & be utterly alone. Because I am transparent to most people. so what have I learned? I can relate to people on so many levels & it can still never be enough for me to be really seen. & it sucks.

OK, enough emo. Today will be a better day. Especially when I get to go to sleep. 4am will be here eventually. I'd live in my dreams forever if I could.

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