Friday, November 4, 2011

I Will NEVER Be Silenced!

Posted by Leslie at 1:23 AM
I know "technically" it's November 4th, but I haven't gone to bed yet so it's really only the 3rd to me until then. I spent the day doing appointments & then rehearsal so I was so busy today! But I have a LOT to say!

THIS IS MY PERSONAL FEELINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE THEM. YOU CAN AGREE OR AGREE TO DISAGREE, BUT DON'T PUSH YOUR VIEW ON ME & I WON'T PUSH MINE ON YOURS. MY GRIEF JOURNEY IS MY OWN SO PLEASE RESPECT THAT & I WILL RESPECT YOURS.

I will NEVER be silenced when it comes to talking about my son, Dexter. He left us too soon. He lived a short 11 hours outside my womb, but that doesn't make him a "that" or less of a person or less important than anyone else. I had a dear friend, Amber, who has been harassed on Facebook for posting about her son, Eli. Eli was stillborn, but guess what... he was STILL BORN. People who claim to be her "friends" are dishing it out to her about how she spends too much time thinking about her son & is neglecting her live children or needs help or told it's ridiculous to make a video with "dead babies" in it. MY SON was honored in that video for October 15th. Why is it that because my son has passed on he suddenly shouldn't exist as part of my family? When your mother dies .. or your husband dies, do they cease to exist???? You don't stop loving your mother or honoring her if she dies. Yet, as a parent who has lost a baby, I'm expected to sweep it under the rug for the sake of everyone else's discomfort. I am sorry that MY GRIEF is a big inconvenience to you.

Death is a part of this cycle of life. It's a horrible experience & in a perfect world NO ONE would die. Especially children. In the natural order of things, it is the most UNNATURAL thing in the world to be a parent burying your child. & at the time where we, as bereaved parents, NEED SUPPORT THE MOST, we have people turning on us. Telling us we are crazy or need help. Calling our precious children "it", "that", "dead baby" & calling our coping "ridiculous". & some of this is done anonymously, so they don't even OWN their thoughts & words. Hiding behind fake names or emails ...claiming to care or be friends but can't even be honest. I have come to accept death. That was a hard journey. I might be farther along in my grief that some. It's an extremely personal journey. While I LOVE my son, Dexter.. I know that I woudldn't have my rainbow baby, Milo, had the outcome to Dexter's life been different. In my OWN JOURNEY, Dexter's purpose was to teach me about love, teach me about myself. Show me a path in life. He did so with the power of a hurricane. Turned my life upside down & even though the gaping hole in my heart remains, I am better for it. Instead of pouring hate, it is pouring love. I am being the mother & person I know he'd want me to be.

Let me be real for you here: My life is divided in two parts. BEFORE DEXTER & AFTER DEXTER. The relationships I had before my son died .. most of them stalled. Some stopped all together. I learned who were the real friends & who were the shadows. Unfortunately.. most people ended up in the shadow catagory. Fairweather friends. Relating to others who have not experienced this is sometimes difficult. Not impossible, but it can be problematic. Not because I want it to be but because they can't accept that my son will always be a part of me, I will always speak of him & won't change that for anyone.

Losing him was a pain worse than any I have ever experienced. But I REJOICE in knowing I was chosen to the mother to a special, wonderful boy. I REJOICE in the fact he entered me life, albeit swiftly, & I am THANKFUL for the time I had with him. The world is a better place in my eyes because he is in it. & I REJOICE that he is happy, in no pain & waiting for me to join him when my time comes. I know he is truly WHOLE where he is & that makes me heart burst. I truly believe what Albus Dumbledore said: "After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

At the end of this life, this journey.. I look forward to starting that adventure .. hand in hand with my son. 'til then, he will be in my heart, on my mind, on my tongue & shared with the world. He deserves it.

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