Sunday, July 17, 2011

Missing Milo

Posted by Leslie at 3:26 AM
I decided I really needed an outlet for the more personal side of having a baby in the NICU for an undetermined amount of time. I didn't want to make my livejournal be consumed with just that. Or to monopolize my Facebook either. Sometimes those status boxes just don't hold nearly enough letters to fully let me speak my mind about what I am going through right now. There are times I think no one fully understands. I am sure that isn't true, but there is a definite disconnect that I am feeling from the rest of the world right now.

Right now Milo is 1 week, 3 days old. Gestational age 30 weeks, 4 days. I feel like reaching his due date is going to take forever. I can't see past the next moment right now. I am trying to feel positive.. like still thinking about shopping for baby stuff. I just got a whole bunch of newborn diapers from friends. I am looking forward to going to Once Upon A Child & getting things, but yet I can't get the image of being given Milo to take home. I do try. I want to daydream about that. I even jokingly tell the boyfriend that I better have It's A Boy balloons when we take him home. I talk to people about when he gets home & his future adventures. I have to believe that this will happen. The support & positivity of friends has definitely helped keep me grounded in that respect & been a lifeline from falling into a deep crevice of despair & hopelessness. If I lose hope, I'll go to a dark place that will be hard to return from. I can't let that happen. Because Milo needs me.

I can't want to see him tomorrow (or today, as it's already well into Sunday). Will have to figure out the kids but I can at least sleep in a bit as Ian's theater schedule has dwindled down. I am glad he had fun though. I wish it was still going because I know he needs the distraction. I know he is much more affected by all this than he lets on. He's not as easy to talk to anymore though. I try not to be hard on him, but I know I am having a hard time controlling my emotions right now too. It's very difficult. I know I get upset & frustrated a lot easier. I am coping the best I can. I will focus on making his birthday coming up as awesome as possible. He needs me too.

I need sleep. Even though it doesn't come as easily anymore. Instead of waking up to a baby crying, I wake up to run to the phone to make sure I haven't missed anything important. Contrary to what people might think .. I'm not "getting a break" like some might think because I am not caring for Milo constantly. It's worse. I'd much rather be changing diapers & feeding all hours of the night than to have come home with empty arms again & be away from my child.

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