Right Where I Am: 2 years, 8 months, 23 days

This post is for the "Right Where I Am" project at Still Life. It's a way to talk about grief in terms of where I am in it within the time that has passed. Check out the link for more details.

I had to use an online calculator to determined how long it had been, in years & months & days, that my son exited my life so very suddenly. It's funny how it had been so long since it happened, yet the actual moments .. all of them, however painful, is still so fresh in my mind. I stumbled upon this project & wish I would have found it sooner. Or maybe not. Maybe I had to be farther along in this grief to really appreciate this project for what it is trying to do.

Where are you in your grief? Emotionally. Physically. Psychically.

My grief used to be an entity of it's own. It breathed. It existed. Even beyond the confines of my body, my soul, my mind & my heart. I kind of see grief as the "nothing" from the Neverending Story. All consuming. Sweeping through the valleys, hills, oceans, skies, stars of my very being & making it disappear. While I have come to an idea of WHO I am now, the Leslie that existed before those moments of my son's death died along with him. She is gone. Buried beneath the soil in a tiny white casket filled with pictures & toys & baby items & letters from older siblings. She died with her son. I took her place. So where am I now?

This grief doesn't consume like it once did. It is not an engulfing flame that takes away my oxygen & leaves me gasping for air. It used to be like that. I am at a point where it is not anymore. But it is still there. Hiding in dark places. Causing small cracks here or there in the exterior that the outside world sees. It is there in the moments where I enjoy my living children & then feel the stab in my heart when I realize someone is missing or that he won't experience a milestone. I try to tell grief to leave me be. To let something else take the spotlight once in a while.

Emotionally.. I am okay. Simply okay. I find joys in my hobbies & pastimes. For example, I am doing a show at a local theater & before I step onto that stage, I tell my son, my Dexter, that everything I am doing out there is for him. My inspiration is that if I sing out enough during a performance that it will reach Heaven & he will hear it.

Physically: I am striving to be healthier. I'll be honest .. after losing him I stopped caring. I couldn't see the point anymore. It took me a while to realize that I couldn't help his memory live on if I was gone. I know that my time will come one day & when it does.. I will see him again. 'til then, my living children deserve 100% of a mother for them. & I hope I do that for them.

2 years, 8 months, 23 days. In that time my life has turned in so many ways. I had my rainbow baby, Dexter's little brother, Milo .. who brings me healing & joy. I've gotten engaged. I am pursuing the arts again. I am deciding where my life needs to go. I am finding faith. I do not think that losing my son was for a reason. I think it happened. & because it happened, I had to find reason in LIVING again. & I think I have. Because I know that he would want his mother to see the sunlight & not just the darkness within the 'nothing' of grief.

Grief? Yes, I still experience it. But just like my 'new normal' ... it's existing in it's own state of new normal. Like me, it will evolve as I do. But it will always be there.

To my dear son, Dexter. Mommy misses you so much. You precious moments on Earth changed everything. & if I had to do it all over again knowing that you still had to leave .. I would. Because fitting a lifetime's worth of love in 11 hours is better than to have not loved you at all. I love you. & I know I'll hear you say those words to me one day when we meet again.

I Will NEVER Be Silenced!

I know "technically" it's November 4th, but I haven't gone to bed yet so it's really only the 3rd to me until then. I spent the day doing appointments & then rehearsal so I was so busy today! But I have a LOT to say!

THIS IS MY PERSONAL FEELINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE THEM. YOU CAN AGREE OR AGREE TO DISAGREE, BUT DON'T PUSH YOUR VIEW ON ME & I WON'T PUSH MINE ON YOURS. MY GRIEF JOURNEY IS MY OWN SO PLEASE RESPECT THAT & I WILL RESPECT YOURS.

I will NEVER be silenced when it comes to talking about my son, Dexter. He left us too soon. He lived a short 11 hours outside my womb, but that doesn't make him a "that" or less of a person or less important than anyone else. I had a dear friend, Amber, who has been harassed on Facebook for posting about her son, Eli. Eli was stillborn, but guess what... he was STILL BORN. People who claim to be her "friends" are dishing it out to her about how she spends too much time thinking about her son & is neglecting her live children or needs help or told it's ridiculous to make a video with "dead babies" in it. MY SON was honored in that video for October 15th. Why is it that because my son has passed on he suddenly shouldn't exist as part of my family? When your mother dies .. or your husband dies, do they cease to exist???? You don't stop loving your mother or honoring her if she dies. Yet, as a parent who has lost a baby, I'm expected to sweep it under the rug for the sake of everyone else's discomfort. I am sorry that MY GRIEF is a big inconvenience to you.

Death is a part of this cycle of life. It's a horrible experience & in a perfect world NO ONE would die. Especially children. In the natural order of things, it is the most UNNATURAL thing in the world to be a parent burying your child. & at the time where we, as bereaved parents, NEED SUPPORT THE MOST, we have people turning on us. Telling us we are crazy or need help. Calling our precious children "it", "that", "dead baby" & calling our coping "ridiculous". & some of this is done anonymously, so they don't even OWN their thoughts & words. Hiding behind fake names or emails ...claiming to care or be friends but can't even be honest. I have come to accept death. That was a hard journey. I might be farther along in my grief that some. It's an extremely personal journey. While I LOVE my son, Dexter.. I know that I woudldn't have my rainbow baby, Milo, had the outcome to Dexter's life been different. In my OWN JOURNEY, Dexter's purpose was to teach me about love, teach me about myself. Show me a path in life. He did so with the power of a hurricane. Turned my life upside down & even though the gaping hole in my heart remains, I am better for it. Instead of pouring hate, it is pouring love. I am being the mother & person I know he'd want me to be.

Let me be real for you here: My life is divided in two parts. BEFORE DEXTER & AFTER DEXTER. The relationships I had before my son died .. most of them stalled. Some stopped all together. I learned who were the real friends & who were the shadows. Unfortunately.. most people ended up in the shadow catagory. Fairweather friends. Relating to others who have not experienced this is sometimes difficult. Not impossible, but it can be problematic. Not because I want it to be but because they can't accept that my son will always be a part of me, I will always speak of him & won't change that for anyone.

Losing him was a pain worse than any I have ever experienced. But I REJOICE in knowing I was chosen to the mother to a special, wonderful boy. I REJOICE in the fact he entered me life, albeit swiftly, & I am THANKFUL for the time I had with him. The world is a better place in my eyes because he is in it. & I REJOICE that he is happy, in no pain & waiting for me to join him when my time comes. I know he is truly WHOLE where he is & that makes me heart burst. I truly believe what Albus Dumbledore said: "After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

At the end of this life, this journey.. I look forward to starting that adventure .. hand in hand with my son. 'til then, he will be in my heart, on my mind, on my tongue & shared with the world. He deserves it.

Finding Faith & The Measure Of A Mother

I did something I haven't done since before Dexter died. I went to church with my best friend. I will not hide the fact that after he died, I was extremely angry with God. I wanted to tell God to shove & never come back into my life again. It took a good year before I started going back to my usual idea of God. I always had a very buffet style spirituality after I left the Mormon church as a teenager. I firmly believe all paths lead to God, I just feel like each individual sees God differently. I became more interested in my own PERSONAL relationship with God & not what others might think of it. Listen, I am not a perfect person. Never have been. Never will be. I live my life using that free will thing everyone talks about. I feel like God wants me to live this life freely. To follow my heart. & I do that.

Only thing I wanted to ask God was... HOW? How do I do that with a broken heart?

I will always struggle with the why. Why did he take my son? 11 hours isn't nearly enough to fit a lifetime's worth of love in. The only memories I made with him were painful ones. Dreams were shattered. Faith was lost. & I wasn't strong enough to just sit back & go, "OK, God... I trust you." Because I didn't. How could I trust a God that let babies die when their parents so desperately wanted them to stay?

I may never know the answer to that.. at least not until I stand before him & say, "Hey, what was the deal with that?" I have come to the understanding in my soul that I was chosen, specifically, to be Dexter's mother. A measure of a mother is not in the years of raising she accomplishes, or how many school lunches she makes at home or how many PTA meetings she attends. The measure of a mother can't even be seen. It's an individual, PERSONAL understanding between that mother & that child. My friends who have only know children who went to Heaven .. they are some of the best mothers I know. They may not have had sleepless nights with feedings & diaper changes. Or kissed away boo-boos on scraped knees. But they have had sleepless nights missing their precious baby. Kissed away tears from their partner's cheeks. They celebrate birthdays & anniversaries.. even at a grave site. These women... they are amazing mothers. Because they don't just express their love for their children by hugs, kisses & presents. They do it by waking up every morning, breathing & LIVING. They are LIVING TRIBUTES in honor of their children.

On a good note. I have felt really good the last few days. I am enjoying all my moments with Milo. He loves to be held against my chest & sleep. I love hearing his coos & seeing his beautiful eyes. He is so alert. He's started making noises that aren't cooing or crying.. so that's amazing. He DID get diagnosed with acid reflux & now he is on Zantac for that. I am hoping it kicks in soon. This Thursday he has a cardiologist appointment for a follow up. The first one since he left the NICU. I am .. apprehensive. I am praying that we just get a thumbs up & that he's doing fine & see you next month. When he went to the respiratory doctor (to get a referral for the RSV shot) .. they checked his sP02 level & it was 99.. which is exactly what I want to hear. I just hope everything will be okay. We don't see the geneticist 'til December. But I am not really worried. So far his eye doctor had no concerns. Hoping the cardio has none either. Maybe you can say a little prayer that his appointment goes well & is uneventful.

I am so in love with him. I just want life to continue as it is ... with hope & joy.