Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

My emotions are complicated right now. I guess maybe it's because I have Milo. I am overjoyed that I have him but I am being pulled apart between feeling that joy & grieving for Dexter. Plus the fact we are doing a mini-party for Avery's birthday which is on the 16th. I don't want to spend the day with a plastered smile on my face when inside my heart is still very much broken. It will be 3 years in March.. I can't believe it. It feels like yesterday but still so distant.

I know that reintegrating God into my life is helping. I know for some it doesn't & I believe in their right to be angry. I was there too. & some may never leave that place of anger. I feel angry sometimes, but mostly I ache. Even when a preemie 14 week old baby.. my arms still ache for the son that left too soon. I guess it is a little bit disheartening to know that my skies will never be fully blue. The grey will always be there in some form; despite the sun & rainbows shining once in a while .. it's forever grey.

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. (& really it's ALL MONTH.) I know that breast cancer is important & I fully support it's awareness as well. But those of us who have lost babies .. we deserve to have our children recognized. At least TODAY. So maybe you will join me in remembering them. They were tiny .. but IMPORTANT.

Mommy & Daddy miss you so much Dexter. Thank you for being our son.

Hope With Every Cry

This is part of the BlogHop at Small Bird Studios. Click the link to read more about it.

I am so tired when I get up in the morning. Not as bad as I would be if I wasn't getting my 4-5 hour chunk of sleep. I am so thankful to have a great partner who shares these shifts with me so we aren't dead tired while caring for Milo. I am a paranoid new mommy who doesn't want the rainbow colors to ever leave my life.

Maybe I am an odd one, but every time I hear my son cry, I feel this intense joy & relief. I still day dream over the first moment after Milo was born.. taking a deep breath & holding it. I only let it go once I heard him start crying. It was more than once & while it was tiny, it seemed strong. His big brother only made one cry in his short life. To hear more than one was a huge weight off my shoulders after I recovered from a short, but painful birth.

& every time he would cry so strong in the NICU, my heart skipped a beat. Every single cry felt like a step in the right direction. I don't enjoy my son being in pain or hungry, but every moment he has the strength to cry.. I am reminded on how lucky I am that he is here with me. He reminds me, through his precious little cry, the hope of a new day. & the hope of joy that seems to come into my life since he entered it. I do not forget his big brother. I mourn him. I miss him. & I thank him for giving me the rainbow in my grey skies. Hope has bee restored. Hope has been brought into my life within a baby's cry.