So much for blog posting month..

So I fell flat on my face after 11 days of the NaBloPoMo thing. I guess the increasing rehearsal schedule for Miracle on 34th Street at the Henegar Center is just taking too much of time right now. By the time I get home I just want to eat dinner, spend time with the fiance & then possible nap between Milo feedings. (One of those is coming up in about 15 minutes actually.) I am okay with being busy. Doing a show fills my time up & it fills my heart too. Despite all the hard work & even the frustrations of the process, I LOVE it. It makes me feel like I am a part of something. There are times where I just don't feel like that.

I have been feeling nostalgic & been looking up people I used to know. See where they are & how they ended up. I had luck with some, none with others. I see that some people are still friends with those they knew back then. I think that's wonderful. Makes me wish I still had some of thos friendships. However, I do have wonderful friends now & I hope these adult friendships are the ones I will have in the coming years.

I really need to update the wedding website & blog. When I do that I will post some links here. I don't want to clutter this blog with just wedding stuff. There IS some stuff going on with that. Mainly a potential wedding party member that doesn't seem to want to let go of certain things & play by the rules of being in this wedding. I don't want to be a Bridezilla-type, but when it will affect communicating with the wedding party because I am block by someone, then it affects the whole wedding & I got to put my foot down to that. That is the only thing I am saying about it. I am keeping names out of it. Those close to me know the situation. I will leave it with one thing: The heaviest burden to carry is a grudge. Just sayin'....

I am attempting to be a bit more social & trying to make more friends within the show. I added several new people on Facebook & even had some lunch with a few. I am hoping to have lasting friendships within the theater community as well.

I am newly obsessed with the TV show "Once Upon A Time". I can't wait for the next episode already! I joined a million groups for it on Livejournal already. So excited. I am also excited that I am getting Ian a nice present tomorrow off of Freecycle. I hope it all goes off without a hitch. & then Friday we are seeing our friend Becky from Pajama Game in the musical "Chicago". I am so excited!

On the homefront things are going well. Ian's grades have gone up & he managed to get onto honor roll despite having some rough patches. & he is doing well, along with the show too. So I am very proud! He is having to miss a school dance & a performance for his chorus (teacher said it was okay) because of Miracle. But he has a commitment & I think this teaches him about responsibility.

I cooked a good meal tonight. Fried chicken that I put roasted pepper sauce on. It was yummy with a red potato & corn for the sides. I enjoy cooking for my man. I am glad that he seems to enjoy the meals I prepare. I am not really known for being a good cook. That's why my dear fiance is flying with Thanksgiving. He loves it. Though I am making my green bean casserole & bacon wrapped asparagus. :) I am hoping to have lots of people over. I might see if anyone is alone for Thanksgiving & see if we can invite them.

Time to feed the baby. Just one more hour & I can go to sleep. Maybe I'll catnap after I feed Milo. These creepy movies I'm watching probably won't help. :P I've had some interesting & weird dreams lately. Maybe I need to not watch some of this stuff at night. :P

I Will NEVER Be Silenced!

I know "technically" it's November 4th, but I haven't gone to bed yet so it's really only the 3rd to me until then. I spent the day doing appointments & then rehearsal so I was so busy today! But I have a LOT to say!

THIS IS MY PERSONAL FEELINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE THEM. YOU CAN AGREE OR AGREE TO DISAGREE, BUT DON'T PUSH YOUR VIEW ON ME & I WON'T PUSH MINE ON YOURS. MY GRIEF JOURNEY IS MY OWN SO PLEASE RESPECT THAT & I WILL RESPECT YOURS.

I will NEVER be silenced when it comes to talking about my son, Dexter. He left us too soon. He lived a short 11 hours outside my womb, but that doesn't make him a "that" or less of a person or less important than anyone else. I had a dear friend, Amber, who has been harassed on Facebook for posting about her son, Eli. Eli was stillborn, but guess what... he was STILL BORN. People who claim to be her "friends" are dishing it out to her about how she spends too much time thinking about her son & is neglecting her live children or needs help or told it's ridiculous to make a video with "dead babies" in it. MY SON was honored in that video for October 15th. Why is it that because my son has passed on he suddenly shouldn't exist as part of my family? When your mother dies .. or your husband dies, do they cease to exist???? You don't stop loving your mother or honoring her if she dies. Yet, as a parent who has lost a baby, I'm expected to sweep it under the rug for the sake of everyone else's discomfort. I am sorry that MY GRIEF is a big inconvenience to you.

Death is a part of this cycle of life. It's a horrible experience & in a perfect world NO ONE would die. Especially children. In the natural order of things, it is the most UNNATURAL thing in the world to be a parent burying your child. & at the time where we, as bereaved parents, NEED SUPPORT THE MOST, we have people turning on us. Telling us we are crazy or need help. Calling our precious children "it", "that", "dead baby" & calling our coping "ridiculous". & some of this is done anonymously, so they don't even OWN their thoughts & words. Hiding behind fake names or emails ...claiming to care or be friends but can't even be honest. I have come to accept death. That was a hard journey. I might be farther along in my grief that some. It's an extremely personal journey. While I LOVE my son, Dexter.. I know that I woudldn't have my rainbow baby, Milo, had the outcome to Dexter's life been different. In my OWN JOURNEY, Dexter's purpose was to teach me about love, teach me about myself. Show me a path in life. He did so with the power of a hurricane. Turned my life upside down & even though the gaping hole in my heart remains, I am better for it. Instead of pouring hate, it is pouring love. I am being the mother & person I know he'd want me to be.

Let me be real for you here: My life is divided in two parts. BEFORE DEXTER & AFTER DEXTER. The relationships I had before my son died .. most of them stalled. Some stopped all together. I learned who were the real friends & who were the shadows. Unfortunately.. most people ended up in the shadow catagory. Fairweather friends. Relating to others who have not experienced this is sometimes difficult. Not impossible, but it can be problematic. Not because I want it to be but because they can't accept that my son will always be a part of me, I will always speak of him & won't change that for anyone.

Losing him was a pain worse than any I have ever experienced. But I REJOICE in knowing I was chosen to the mother to a special, wonderful boy. I REJOICE in the fact he entered me life, albeit swiftly, & I am THANKFUL for the time I had with him. The world is a better place in my eyes because he is in it. & I REJOICE that he is happy, in no pain & waiting for me to join him when my time comes. I know he is truly WHOLE where he is & that makes me heart burst. I truly believe what Albus Dumbledore said: "After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

At the end of this life, this journey.. I look forward to starting that adventure .. hand in hand with my son. 'til then, he will be in my heart, on my mind, on my tongue & shared with the world. He deserves it.

Relating Doesn't Equal Friendship...

...or how I fell into the same trap I've always fallen into all my life.

Hi, my name is Leslie & I have trouble connecting to people.

Or is it that they have trouble connecting to me?

I have had this problem since I can remember. The first day of kindergarten..someone teasing me & being shocked to discover that outside the safe haven of my grandmother & mother, that not everyone automatically loved me. Or even liked me. I can remember crying on my way home, wondering why someone hadn't told me that I was too short according to society's standards & that my nose was too big & I was wearing the wrong outfit. Of course, these were in more 5 year old sentences, but that was the basic gist of it.

It was from that point on that I started my list of "Leslie Flaws" in my own head. That list continues today & even includes those bullet points that were added at the mere age of 5. The only difference is that I tend to handle it better as an adult that I did as a child. But even I have those cracks that stuff seeps through to the inside where it isn't so hardened & protected.

I can easily list 10 things that are wrong with me that would not make someone like me. I get reminded a lot about the things that make me unworthy. Even when people may not even intend to do that. Half of the time it's not even really their fault. I've always had a perpetual feeling of being on the outside looking in. From not being allowed to play 4-square with a group of popular girls in 3rd grade to being excluded by my boyfriend's best friend to coming to his birthday party because he doesn't like me, despite me being the mother of my boyfriend's children & possibly a future wife in the distant future. It always felt like people thought it was okay to push me aside & let me watch from afar, but never be included.

But it's not okay. At least not to me.

I know this sounds like some big whinefest, butthurt rambling. & I guess it is. In the end I don't think I'll ever get over my base feelings of inadequacy or loneliness. How cliche but how true.. I can be in a crowded room & be utterly alone. Because I am transparent to most people. so what have I learned? I can relate to people on so many levels & it can still never be enough for me to be really seen. & it sucks.

OK, enough emo. Today will be a better day. Especially when I get to go to sleep. 4am will be here eventually. I'd live in my dreams forever if I could.

There's More To Life Than the NICU

That's not to say that most of my life on a daily basis isn't consumed with my son being in the NICU. I am sorry for the delay in my postings. I spent the weekend with Milo's Daddy at the Ronald McDonald House across the street from the hospital. I got myself spoiled in that arrangement. We only got to stay from Friday to Monday, but that was amazing. Robert has to go back to work on Wednesday. Neither of us is too happy about that. It will really put a damper on visiting Milo as much as we can. We put in our RMH paperwork for next weekend. I will call Friday morning & see if I can get us in for at least Friday-Saturday. If we can get Friday-Sunday that would be even better. It will depend on what arrangement we can make for the other kids. I really hope it happens. If anything we will at least try to stay Friday-Saturday.

Robert & I had a really hard time on Saturday. I won't go into details but it left most the day a complete waste, along with hurt feelings & things that were better left unsaid. I am still emotionally recovering from it to be honest. I'm trying to resolve a lot of what was said to me in my own head & try to understand that things get said in the heat of anger & frustration. & what we are going through as a couple right now is really difficult. Especially since we've already suffered a loss. I've been dealing with some postpartum depression. I know it's really exacerbated by the NICU issues, the pumping breast milk issues .. the traveling. It's just all really stressful. I am trying not to give up with the pumping but even with all the effort ..I don't get much. But I suppose something is better than nothing.

Milo is doing very well. He is going to be moved from a Level 3 NICU to a Level 2 as soon as there is room for him. He doesn't need to be as intensively monitored. He took a bottle for the second day & he ate 10ml the first time & 8ml the second time. He's still little so it's a trial period. But he's doing great. He has a really bad rash because he poops all the time though & it pains me to have to see him in pain when I change his diaper. :(

As for life in general. I'm trying to just look forward. I want to start getting his crib & things together. I need to get on the ball with the cloth diapers. But I have to get Ian, Milo's older brother, ready for school. So money is going to go to that. I have to call the school tomorrow & see if I can get a school list. I'll be getting $40 less in child support for the next month at least so the kids' dad can catch up with bills. It's going to hurt & it's a really bad time but I have to deal with it. Money isn't important, but it's really NICE to have when you NEED it. I miss working even just for a paycheck. Even if it was small.. at least it was mine. I try not to worry about money but it's hard not to. I won't get support money 'til the 15th now. I have to pull together my car insurance & the water bill too. I feel like I am drowning. I hope that Milo's welcome home party will get us things we need: cloth diaper items, sheets & blankets. A travel system would be nice too. I'm already feeling a little disappointed that the turn out to the party doesn't seem like it's going to be very big. There are only 10 confirmed & that includes Robert & I.. yet we sent out quite a few invites. We might end up missing out on some much needed items due to lack of interest in coming to the party. It's a bit depressing actually. But I am trying not to think about it. Sometimes I wish my close online friends could come. I know someone who had an online baby shower & seemed to have a great turnout to that.. I thought about making one, but I honestly don't feel like I'd have that much of a success. I occasionally have that high school feeling of people know who I am, but no one being close enough to care.

Yeah, I am being emo. I'll quit it. I am really thankful for everyone who has helped out during this rough time, especially my best friend & she is throwing the party for us & I appreciate it a lot.

Time to pump .. again. Oh goody.

Missing Milo

I decided I really needed an outlet for the more personal side of having a baby in the NICU for an undetermined amount of time. I didn't want to make my livejournal be consumed with just that. Or to monopolize my Facebook either. Sometimes those status boxes just don't hold nearly enough letters to fully let me speak my mind about what I am going through right now. There are times I think no one fully understands. I am sure that isn't true, but there is a definite disconnect that I am feeling from the rest of the world right now.

Right now Milo is 1 week, 3 days old. Gestational age 30 weeks, 4 days. I feel like reaching his due date is going to take forever. I can't see past the next moment right now. I am trying to feel positive.. like still thinking about shopping for baby stuff. I just got a whole bunch of newborn diapers from friends. I am looking forward to going to Once Upon A Child & getting things, but yet I can't get the image of being given Milo to take home. I do try. I want to daydream about that. I even jokingly tell the boyfriend that I better have It's A Boy balloons when we take him home. I talk to people about when he gets home & his future adventures. I have to believe that this will happen. The support & positivity of friends has definitely helped keep me grounded in that respect & been a lifeline from falling into a deep crevice of despair & hopelessness. If I lose hope, I'll go to a dark place that will be hard to return from. I can't let that happen. Because Milo needs me.

I can't want to see him tomorrow (or today, as it's already well into Sunday). Will have to figure out the kids but I can at least sleep in a bit as Ian's theater schedule has dwindled down. I am glad he had fun though. I wish it was still going because I know he needs the distraction. I know he is much more affected by all this than he lets on. He's not as easy to talk to anymore though. I try not to be hard on him, but I know I am having a hard time controlling my emotions right now too. It's very difficult. I know I get upset & frustrated a lot easier. I am coping the best I can. I will focus on making his birthday coming up as awesome as possible. He needs me too.

I need sleep. Even though it doesn't come as easily anymore. Instead of waking up to a baby crying, I wake up to run to the phone to make sure I haven't missed anything important. Contrary to what people might think .. I'm not "getting a break" like some might think because I am not caring for Milo constantly. It's worse. I'd much rather be changing diapers & feeding all hours of the night than to have come home with empty arms again & be away from my child.