I'm Scared...

& not of what you might think. I'm scared of Milo being home. I am excited about him coming home soon, but at the same time I am extremely terrified. I have spent the first 6 weeks of my son's life watching him be cared for by other people. To ask if I can pick him up, change him, feed him. I am his mother but for this whole time it hasn't felt like it.

Can I do it? Can I care for him? He has had monitors to keep track of things. I am doing my best to watch for his signals. So far, even when he has brady spells, his color never changes. Without those monitors.. will I know when I stimulate him? Will I be checking on him every 10 minutes to make sure he is still breathing at night? I am a mother of 4 .. my first child came to me in 1999. Yet, I feel like I have NO idea what I am doing.

I am scared of being the one to take care of him, yet I can't wait to be the one to take care of him. I really took for granted knowing what I was doing when it came to taking care of my own baby. Now I feel insecure in my ability to be his parent. I want him home badly, but I am filled with anxiety about the whole thing. I want to try to enjoy these moments instead of feeling like I am missing out on it by only thinking the negatives about it.

That is much easier said than done.

On the bright side .. looks like someone got this for me from my baby registry at Babies R Us:


Steven's Baby Boom 5 in 1 Diaper Bag - Brown/Green - Baby Boom - Babies "R" Us

This makes me happy. I was looking around today at diaper bags & thinking I will need one really soon. This will be perfect. So thank you to whoever did that. You rock very much!

& if you wanted to see my registry: Babies"R"Us - Baby Registry

A Happy Holmes-coming

Notice the title says "Holmes-coming" & not homecoming. Because Milo isn't going home yet, but he WAS transferred back to our local hospital, Holmes Regional. This is a big step! His cardiologist cleared him to be closer to us now. This hospital is only 15 minutes away compared to the 60-90 minutes it took to get to Winnie Palmer. Don't get me wrong, Winnie Palmer is an amazing hospital & my experience there was nothing short of wonderful. The staff, nurses, doctors.. even the parking attendants, made us feel warmly welcomed & comfortable. I plan on making sure they are the first NICU unit that receives help from "Dragonflies & Rainbows".

Oh wait, you didn't know about that. I want to make care packages for NICU families (both with babies in the NICU & also bereaved families who lose their babies in the NICU) & I have started a Facebook page for the idea. I have lots of ideas & I am hoping to get some donations of certain items. It might just start out as me doing it, but that's okay. I will be happy if I help just one family to ease their NICU experience. This is a small idea right now, but I hope to expand it one day. Maybe even get donations from businesses & companies. If you are interested in the FB page here is the link: Dragonflies & Rainbows: Care Packages for NICU Families. I am already working on it's logo: well, I doodled it while listening to my voicemail, but it's a start.

Right now I'm focusing on preparing the house for Milo. My last couple weeks of pregnancy I had a hard time moving around, & then of course.. I was very sore & tired after having Milo. I am getting to the point where I can physically do things again. So I am focused on getting the house organized, getting rid of some stuff we don't need to make room for baby things & get Milo's area set up. It's exciting for me. I am so glad to be at a point where I can do this & not worry about whether or not he is going home... he WILL be coming home. It's just a matter of when! So I don't want to be caught off guard.. I want to be ready. I was already caught off guard by having him at 29 weeks. My birth was not what I had hoped for. I am still emotionally dealing with the loss of "normalcy" & I might talk about that later, but I am trying to positive right now. We will be seeing Milo later. I am stuck here at home as I can't bring my daughter to the NICU & Daddy is at work.

We are getting there. That's all that matters. Milo looked wonderful last night. 5lbs, 11.3oz, Sp02 looked great.. still doing some tube feeding, but hopefully he'll be on a bottle completely soon. I can't wait to have my little boy home. But I CAN wait too... 'til he is healthy & strong.