So much for blog posting month..

So I fell flat on my face after 11 days of the NaBloPoMo thing. I guess the increasing rehearsal schedule for Miracle on 34th Street at the Henegar Center is just taking too much of time right now. By the time I get home I just want to eat dinner, spend time with the fiance & then possible nap between Milo feedings. (One of those is coming up in about 15 minutes actually.) I am okay with being busy. Doing a show fills my time up & it fills my heart too. Despite all the hard work & even the frustrations of the process, I LOVE it. It makes me feel like I am a part of something. There are times where I just don't feel like that.

I have been feeling nostalgic & been looking up people I used to know. See where they are & how they ended up. I had luck with some, none with others. I see that some people are still friends with those they knew back then. I think that's wonderful. Makes me wish I still had some of thos friendships. However, I do have wonderful friends now & I hope these adult friendships are the ones I will have in the coming years.

I really need to update the wedding website & blog. When I do that I will post some links here. I don't want to clutter this blog with just wedding stuff. There IS some stuff going on with that. Mainly a potential wedding party member that doesn't seem to want to let go of certain things & play by the rules of being in this wedding. I don't want to be a Bridezilla-type, but when it will affect communicating with the wedding party because I am block by someone, then it affects the whole wedding & I got to put my foot down to that. That is the only thing I am saying about it. I am keeping names out of it. Those close to me know the situation. I will leave it with one thing: The heaviest burden to carry is a grudge. Just sayin'....

I am attempting to be a bit more social & trying to make more friends within the show. I added several new people on Facebook & even had some lunch with a few. I am hoping to have lasting friendships within the theater community as well.

I am newly obsessed with the TV show "Once Upon A Time". I can't wait for the next episode already! I joined a million groups for it on Livejournal already. So excited. I am also excited that I am getting Ian a nice present tomorrow off of Freecycle. I hope it all goes off without a hitch. & then Friday we are seeing our friend Becky from Pajama Game in the musical "Chicago". I am so excited!

On the homefront things are going well. Ian's grades have gone up & he managed to get onto honor roll despite having some rough patches. & he is doing well, along with the show too. So I am very proud! He is having to miss a school dance & a performance for his chorus (teacher said it was okay) because of Miracle. But he has a commitment & I think this teaches him about responsibility.

I cooked a good meal tonight. Fried chicken that I put roasted pepper sauce on. It was yummy with a red potato & corn for the sides. I enjoy cooking for my man. I am glad that he seems to enjoy the meals I prepare. I am not really known for being a good cook. That's why my dear fiance is flying with Thanksgiving. He loves it. Though I am making my green bean casserole & bacon wrapped asparagus. :) I am hoping to have lots of people over. I might see if anyone is alone for Thanksgiving & see if we can invite them.

Time to feed the baby. Just one more hour & I can go to sleep. Maybe I'll catnap after I feed Milo. These creepy movies I'm watching probably won't help. :P I've had some interesting & weird dreams lately. Maybe I need to not watch some of this stuff at night. :P

One Big Blob..

It is really hard for me to write a post a day when my days are melting together into one big BLOB. I am unsure what is up or what is down. I can't even really tell you what day it is. To me, it's Thursday right now since I have not been asleep yet. Robert is sleeping in more than usual because he doesn't have to work tomorrow (Friday...) so I can sleep in later. But not by too much. I need to hit Walmart & Goodwill, the post office.. Then the theater to work on costumes for my character(s). It's not a rehearsal night, but the lovely stage manager asked if anyone would mind coming in just for that. No problemo! It will give me some alone time out of the house. I am just looking forward to sleeping I will be doing in about an hour.

That's parenthood. One big blob. But it's an enjoyable blob. :)

Day 8 - NaBloPoMo (Haiku edition!)

Here I am. Still awake. I decided this post will be a haiku post. Why? 'cause I feel like it. Tomorrow is Wordless Wednesday..I'll probably end up posting a picture from my 30 day photography challenge. :)

night comes much sooner
when time has fallen backwards
right into winter

All prettied up & nowhere to go..

Had a nice day today. Busy, but nice. I decided I wanted to feel pretty so I got dressed up a bit, make up & everything. I don't do that very often. It felt nice to do it though. Sometimes a girl needs to just dress up & feel good.

My life has been consumed with the baby & doing the show. Tonight's rehearsal was good. Got a small dance number done & it's really fun. I enjoy being around the people I get to do this with. I enjoy making new friends. It's just a wonderful time. & before I know it ..the show will be over. It's amazing how that works.

So.. since everyone is asleep but me. DF went to bed early. Kids are in bed. I will feed the baby, pop in a movie & chill out for the evening. & I might even leave my make up on.

What Would You Do? (Zombie Edition)

I am a big Walking Dead fan & on the last episode I watched (I am one behind) the main couple's kid was on his deathbed. There was a moment where the mother thought it might be better off that her son died rather than live the life they had been leading. You know, watching everyone die or turn into flesh-eating monsters. Going hungry & being scared. As a mother who lost a child, my first instinct would be.. HELL NO. I must make my child live. But in reality, that is such an amazing question & perspective. Would you want your child to live like that? In the end, the father convinced the mother than he SHOULD live because when he woke up briefly, he didn't talk about how he was injured, or the zombies or fear.. but he talked about a beautiful deer he encountered. Even in a world of nightmares, he saw beauty. Letting him die would be like hope dying.

So I wonder.. if you could spare your child living in a world of nightmares, of fear, of hunger or cold or sickness.. would you let them go? I feel like I did the same sort of thing when we took Dexter off of life support. I wanted to spare him slowly dying, excruciatingly slow. It wasn't fair to him & I knew that. Being a parent is SUCH a job. & the idea that we might have to one day hold our child's mortality in our hands is scary. But it does happen.

So I wonder what others would do..

24 hours is not enough!

24 hours is not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything I need to do.

Rehearsals. Family. Baby. Relationship. Church. Friends. Wedding. Oh My!

Something more substantial tomorrow!

I Will NEVER Be Silenced!

I know "technically" it's November 4th, but I haven't gone to bed yet so it's really only the 3rd to me until then. I spent the day doing appointments & then rehearsal so I was so busy today! But I have a LOT to say!

THIS IS MY PERSONAL FEELINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE THEM. YOU CAN AGREE OR AGREE TO DISAGREE, BUT DON'T PUSH YOUR VIEW ON ME & I WON'T PUSH MINE ON YOURS. MY GRIEF JOURNEY IS MY OWN SO PLEASE RESPECT THAT & I WILL RESPECT YOURS.

I will NEVER be silenced when it comes to talking about my son, Dexter. He left us too soon. He lived a short 11 hours outside my womb, but that doesn't make him a "that" or less of a person or less important than anyone else. I had a dear friend, Amber, who has been harassed on Facebook for posting about her son, Eli. Eli was stillborn, but guess what... he was STILL BORN. People who claim to be her "friends" are dishing it out to her about how she spends too much time thinking about her son & is neglecting her live children or needs help or told it's ridiculous to make a video with "dead babies" in it. MY SON was honored in that video for October 15th. Why is it that because my son has passed on he suddenly shouldn't exist as part of my family? When your mother dies .. or your husband dies, do they cease to exist???? You don't stop loving your mother or honoring her if she dies. Yet, as a parent who has lost a baby, I'm expected to sweep it under the rug for the sake of everyone else's discomfort. I am sorry that MY GRIEF is a big inconvenience to you.

Death is a part of this cycle of life. It's a horrible experience & in a perfect world NO ONE would die. Especially children. In the natural order of things, it is the most UNNATURAL thing in the world to be a parent burying your child. & at the time where we, as bereaved parents, NEED SUPPORT THE MOST, we have people turning on us. Telling us we are crazy or need help. Calling our precious children "it", "that", "dead baby" & calling our coping "ridiculous". & some of this is done anonymously, so they don't even OWN their thoughts & words. Hiding behind fake names or emails ...claiming to care or be friends but can't even be honest. I have come to accept death. That was a hard journey. I might be farther along in my grief that some. It's an extremely personal journey. While I LOVE my son, Dexter.. I know that I woudldn't have my rainbow baby, Milo, had the outcome to Dexter's life been different. In my OWN JOURNEY, Dexter's purpose was to teach me about love, teach me about myself. Show me a path in life. He did so with the power of a hurricane. Turned my life upside down & even though the gaping hole in my heart remains, I am better for it. Instead of pouring hate, it is pouring love. I am being the mother & person I know he'd want me to be.

Let me be real for you here: My life is divided in two parts. BEFORE DEXTER & AFTER DEXTER. The relationships I had before my son died .. most of them stalled. Some stopped all together. I learned who were the real friends & who were the shadows. Unfortunately.. most people ended up in the shadow catagory. Fairweather friends. Relating to others who have not experienced this is sometimes difficult. Not impossible, but it can be problematic. Not because I want it to be but because they can't accept that my son will always be a part of me, I will always speak of him & won't change that for anyone.

Losing him was a pain worse than any I have ever experienced. But I REJOICE in knowing I was chosen to the mother to a special, wonderful boy. I REJOICE in the fact he entered me life, albeit swiftly, & I am THANKFUL for the time I had with him. The world is a better place in my eyes because he is in it. & I REJOICE that he is happy, in no pain & waiting for me to join him when my time comes. I know he is truly WHOLE where he is & that makes me heart burst. I truly believe what Albus Dumbledore said: "After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

At the end of this life, this journey.. I look forward to starting that adventure .. hand in hand with my son. 'til then, he will be in my heart, on my mind, on my tongue & shared with the world. He deserves it.

National Blog Writing Month!

In an attempt to participate in NaBloPoMo for the month of November .. I am going to be trying to post a blog daily. I can't promise it's going to be horribly interesting, but I will try. My favorite part about writing is to be able to express myself in words without stumbling. I tend to stumble & stutter when talking. I can be clear & concise in text.

I think I will definitely be using the Wordless Wednesday thing for tomorrow though. ;)

Life is SO busy. Halloween is over & I wish it could be lasting a bit longer. I love Halloween. At least we'll be able to go to the Halloween store & get clearance stuff! We really look forward to that every year & we like to stock up. I plan on going to the Dollar Tree to get some harvest decorations so get things festive in here. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving a lot. :) Going to try to some new dishes this year & of course my green bean casserole.

I really could use a nap. But I need to start getting slowly ready for rehearsal for Miracle on 34th Street tonight.. looks like it will be a longer night .. 6-9pm. Trying to eat here since I am low on money since I had to make sure I put gas in the car I was using the last few weeks. Friday can't come fast enough. I only have a few bucks left 'til then. Ian always seems to get the impression if we leave the house I am buying him food. I literally don't have enough for that sort of thing right now. I might brew some coffee before I leave so I can bring some with me tonight. The last rehearsal was cut short due to a power outage at the theater. Exciting but we lost half the night.

SO sleepy.

Trying to figure out a few wedding snags having to do with certain guests/potential wedding party members. I might address this in the wedding blog later.. & try to do so with a certain tact where I don't name names. Not that this person even acknowledges my presence at all. I'm trying to keep my tongue only speaking good.. it can be a struggle.

I am working on a 30 Day Photography Challenge...

Day 1: Self Portrait. I am going to have so much fun with this! :) See you here again tomorrow for Wordless Wednesday!

A Puzzle That Can Never Be Finished

We are getting my engagement ring today(Friday). This whole thing will a lot more real at that point. For the first time since my son died, I feel SO blessed. I have a wonderful fiance, amazing kids, my rainbow baby, now I am engaged & I even got cast in a musical (Miracle on 34th Street) this Christmas at the local community theater. This is probably the happiest I have been recently other than when we got to take Milo home from the long NICU stay. Yes, we are tired, sleep deprived, covered in baby chaos & spit up: but we are JOYOUS!

My fiance (I am LOVING saying that..) posted on his Facebook recently that a student at school said he looked different. He mentioned he had a different hairstyle but the student replied that no... it was that he looked HAPPY. We are happy & it's a wonderful feeling. It's nice when the world looks more filled with hope than hopelessness.

It's a balance though. As I start to plan my wedding, I think about who will be missing. My son, Dexter, won't be there in a little suit with his other siblings. Dexter would be 3 years, 8.1 months old on our wedding date. It's so hard to imagine what he would be like. How he'd look in his little suit. Would he look like his Daddy or his Mommy? Or like his siblings? What words would be saying? It feels like only yesterday I held him in my arms for those brief moments of life. Yet, it feels far away like a distant nightmare that my mind just can't shake. Sometimes I feel in limbo with my grief. I am grasping & holding tightly to this happy feeling.. but at the same time guilty for feeling so happy when something is indeed missing. Not to mention that my Dad died before he could meet our rainbow baby OR be here for my engagement & wedding. So again.. my Dad won't be able to give me away.

I am realizing that my life is a puzzle. A puzzle that is missing pieces of it. Pieces that are lost for an undetermined amount of time. I will just have to make do with the holes & figure out a way to try & cover them up with some bits of happiness.

Busy busy bee!

It's been crazy around here. Sometimes I wonder if I spread myself too thin. I did an audition tonight with my oldest boy for Miracle on 34th Street. I think I nailed my singing audition .. so I am hoping to know if I got a role by Friday. I actually asked for one of the smaller roles in the musical. I was going to do that part in another show this summer but I ended up having Milo the day of the main dress rehearsal. So.... that didn't happen. My son played... well my son. He did the show, I didn't. So we both tried for those parts again. Crossing our fingers we got it. It'd be nice to do a show together again.

In other news.... I got ENGAGED on Sunday. :) I am beyond happy. & still shocked. We are getting my ring on Friday.. it was so impromptu we didn't even have that. But it's something I never thought would occur. So having my rainbow & a future wedding.. I am the happiest woman in the world right now. If I get a part in the show.. I will say that 2011 is officially my favorite year of all time. I am making a wedding blog so I don't clutter this place with it. I will link to it here when it's done.

Milo is doing well. Had a good Exorcist-style spit up earlier, but I shifted the way I burped him & it seems to be helping. I am not sure if the Zantac is working or not. But he seems happy either way. He has a ped appointment this Friday. I am hoping he's gained a good amount of weight. All in all..things are good!

Through the grey skies.. I see blue.

Relating Doesn't Equal Friendship...

...or how I fell into the same trap I've always fallen into all my life.

Hi, my name is Leslie & I have trouble connecting to people.

Or is it that they have trouble connecting to me?

I have had this problem since I can remember. The first day of kindergarten..someone teasing me & being shocked to discover that outside the safe haven of my grandmother & mother, that not everyone automatically loved me. Or even liked me. I can remember crying on my way home, wondering why someone hadn't told me that I was too short according to society's standards & that my nose was too big & I was wearing the wrong outfit. Of course, these were in more 5 year old sentences, but that was the basic gist of it.

It was from that point on that I started my list of "Leslie Flaws" in my own head. That list continues today & even includes those bullet points that were added at the mere age of 5. The only difference is that I tend to handle it better as an adult that I did as a child. But even I have those cracks that stuff seeps through to the inside where it isn't so hardened & protected.

I can easily list 10 things that are wrong with me that would not make someone like me. I get reminded a lot about the things that make me unworthy. Even when people may not even intend to do that. Half of the time it's not even really their fault. I've always had a perpetual feeling of being on the outside looking in. From not being allowed to play 4-square with a group of popular girls in 3rd grade to being excluded by my boyfriend's best friend to coming to his birthday party because he doesn't like me, despite me being the mother of my boyfriend's children & possibly a future wife in the distant future. It always felt like people thought it was okay to push me aside & let me watch from afar, but never be included.

But it's not okay. At least not to me.

I know this sounds like some big whinefest, butthurt rambling. & I guess it is. In the end I don't think I'll ever get over my base feelings of inadequacy or loneliness. How cliche but how true.. I can be in a crowded room & be utterly alone. Because I am transparent to most people. so what have I learned? I can relate to people on so many levels & it can still never be enough for me to be really seen. & it sucks.

OK, enough emo. Today will be a better day. Especially when I get to go to sleep. 4am will be here eventually. I'd live in my dreams forever if I could.