I'm Scared...

& not of what you might think. I'm scared of Milo being home. I am excited about him coming home soon, but at the same time I am extremely terrified. I have spent the first 6 weeks of my son's life watching him be cared for by other people. To ask if I can pick him up, change him, feed him. I am his mother but for this whole time it hasn't felt like it.

Can I do it? Can I care for him? He has had monitors to keep track of things. I am doing my best to watch for his signals. So far, even when he has brady spells, his color never changes. Without those monitors.. will I know when I stimulate him? Will I be checking on him every 10 minutes to make sure he is still breathing at night? I am a mother of 4 .. my first child came to me in 1999. Yet, I feel like I have NO idea what I am doing.

I am scared of being the one to take care of him, yet I can't wait to be the one to take care of him. I really took for granted knowing what I was doing when it came to taking care of my own baby. Now I feel insecure in my ability to be his parent. I want him home badly, but I am filled with anxiety about the whole thing. I want to try to enjoy these moments instead of feeling like I am missing out on it by only thinking the negatives about it.

That is much easier said than done.

On the bright side .. looks like someone got this for me from my baby registry at Babies R Us:


Steven's Baby Boom 5 in 1 Diaper Bag - Brown/Green - Baby Boom - Babies "R" Us

This makes me happy. I was looking around today at diaper bags & thinking I will need one really soon. This will be perfect. So thank you to whoever did that. You rock very much!

& if you wanted to see my registry: Babies"R"Us - Baby Registry

There's More To Life Than the NICU

That's not to say that most of my life on a daily basis isn't consumed with my son being in the NICU. I am sorry for the delay in my postings. I spent the weekend with Milo's Daddy at the Ronald McDonald House across the street from the hospital. I got myself spoiled in that arrangement. We only got to stay from Friday to Monday, but that was amazing. Robert has to go back to work on Wednesday. Neither of us is too happy about that. It will really put a damper on visiting Milo as much as we can. We put in our RMH paperwork for next weekend. I will call Friday morning & see if I can get us in for at least Friday-Saturday. If we can get Friday-Sunday that would be even better. It will depend on what arrangement we can make for the other kids. I really hope it happens. If anything we will at least try to stay Friday-Saturday.

Robert & I had a really hard time on Saturday. I won't go into details but it left most the day a complete waste, along with hurt feelings & things that were better left unsaid. I am still emotionally recovering from it to be honest. I'm trying to resolve a lot of what was said to me in my own head & try to understand that things get said in the heat of anger & frustration. & what we are going through as a couple right now is really difficult. Especially since we've already suffered a loss. I've been dealing with some postpartum depression. I know it's really exacerbated by the NICU issues, the pumping breast milk issues .. the traveling. It's just all really stressful. I am trying not to give up with the pumping but even with all the effort ..I don't get much. But I suppose something is better than nothing.

Milo is doing very well. He is going to be moved from a Level 3 NICU to a Level 2 as soon as there is room for him. He doesn't need to be as intensively monitored. He took a bottle for the second day & he ate 10ml the first time & 8ml the second time. He's still little so it's a trial period. But he's doing great. He has a really bad rash because he poops all the time though & it pains me to have to see him in pain when I change his diaper. :(

As for life in general. I'm trying to just look forward. I want to start getting his crib & things together. I need to get on the ball with the cloth diapers. But I have to get Ian, Milo's older brother, ready for school. So money is going to go to that. I have to call the school tomorrow & see if I can get a school list. I'll be getting $40 less in child support for the next month at least so the kids' dad can catch up with bills. It's going to hurt & it's a really bad time but I have to deal with it. Money isn't important, but it's really NICE to have when you NEED it. I miss working even just for a paycheck. Even if it was small.. at least it was mine. I try not to worry about money but it's hard not to. I won't get support money 'til the 15th now. I have to pull together my car insurance & the water bill too. I feel like I am drowning. I hope that Milo's welcome home party will get us things we need: cloth diaper items, sheets & blankets. A travel system would be nice too. I'm already feeling a little disappointed that the turn out to the party doesn't seem like it's going to be very big. There are only 10 confirmed & that includes Robert & I.. yet we sent out quite a few invites. We might end up missing out on some much needed items due to lack of interest in coming to the party. It's a bit depressing actually. But I am trying not to think about it. Sometimes I wish my close online friends could come. I know someone who had an online baby shower & seemed to have a great turnout to that.. I thought about making one, but I honestly don't feel like I'd have that much of a success. I occasionally have that high school feeling of people know who I am, but no one being close enough to care.

Yeah, I am being emo. I'll quit it. I am really thankful for everyone who has helped out during this rough time, especially my best friend & she is throwing the party for us & I appreciate it a lot.

Time to pump .. again. Oh goody.