Day 8 - NaBloPoMo (Haiku edition!)

Here I am. Still awake. I decided this post will be a haiku post. Why? 'cause I feel like it. Tomorrow is Wordless Wednesday..I'll probably end up posting a picture from my 30 day photography challenge. :)

night comes much sooner
when time has fallen backwards
right into winter

All prettied up & nowhere to go..

Had a nice day today. Busy, but nice. I decided I wanted to feel pretty so I got dressed up a bit, make up & everything. I don't do that very often. It felt nice to do it though. Sometimes a girl needs to just dress up & feel good.

My life has been consumed with the baby & doing the show. Tonight's rehearsal was good. Got a small dance number done & it's really fun. I enjoy being around the people I get to do this with. I enjoy making new friends. It's just a wonderful time. & before I know it ..the show will be over. It's amazing how that works.

So.. since everyone is asleep but me. DF went to bed early. Kids are in bed. I will feed the baby, pop in a movie & chill out for the evening. & I might even leave my make up on.

What Would You Do? (Zombie Edition)

I am a big Walking Dead fan & on the last episode I watched (I am one behind) the main couple's kid was on his deathbed. There was a moment where the mother thought it might be better off that her son died rather than live the life they had been leading. You know, watching everyone die or turn into flesh-eating monsters. Going hungry & being scared. As a mother who lost a child, my first instinct would be.. HELL NO. I must make my child live. But in reality, that is such an amazing question & perspective. Would you want your child to live like that? In the end, the father convinced the mother than he SHOULD live because when he woke up briefly, he didn't talk about how he was injured, or the zombies or fear.. but he talked about a beautiful deer he encountered. Even in a world of nightmares, he saw beauty. Letting him die would be like hope dying.

So I wonder.. if you could spare your child living in a world of nightmares, of fear, of hunger or cold or sickness.. would you let them go? I feel like I did the same sort of thing when we took Dexter off of life support. I wanted to spare him slowly dying, excruciatingly slow. It wasn't fair to him & I knew that. Being a parent is SUCH a job. & the idea that we might have to one day hold our child's mortality in our hands is scary. But it does happen.

So I wonder what others would do..

24 hours is not enough!

24 hours is not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything I need to do.

Rehearsals. Family. Baby. Relationship. Church. Friends. Wedding. Oh My!

Something more substantial tomorrow!

I Will NEVER Be Silenced!

I know "technically" it's November 4th, but I haven't gone to bed yet so it's really only the 3rd to me until then. I spent the day doing appointments & then rehearsal so I was so busy today! But I have a LOT to say!

THIS IS MY PERSONAL FEELINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE THEM. YOU CAN AGREE OR AGREE TO DISAGREE, BUT DON'T PUSH YOUR VIEW ON ME & I WON'T PUSH MINE ON YOURS. MY GRIEF JOURNEY IS MY OWN SO PLEASE RESPECT THAT & I WILL RESPECT YOURS.

I will NEVER be silenced when it comes to talking about my son, Dexter. He left us too soon. He lived a short 11 hours outside my womb, but that doesn't make him a "that" or less of a person or less important than anyone else. I had a dear friend, Amber, who has been harassed on Facebook for posting about her son, Eli. Eli was stillborn, but guess what... he was STILL BORN. People who claim to be her "friends" are dishing it out to her about how she spends too much time thinking about her son & is neglecting her live children or needs help or told it's ridiculous to make a video with "dead babies" in it. MY SON was honored in that video for October 15th. Why is it that because my son has passed on he suddenly shouldn't exist as part of my family? When your mother dies .. or your husband dies, do they cease to exist???? You don't stop loving your mother or honoring her if she dies. Yet, as a parent who has lost a baby, I'm expected to sweep it under the rug for the sake of everyone else's discomfort. I am sorry that MY GRIEF is a big inconvenience to you.

Death is a part of this cycle of life. It's a horrible experience & in a perfect world NO ONE would die. Especially children. In the natural order of things, it is the most UNNATURAL thing in the world to be a parent burying your child. & at the time where we, as bereaved parents, NEED SUPPORT THE MOST, we have people turning on us. Telling us we are crazy or need help. Calling our precious children "it", "that", "dead baby" & calling our coping "ridiculous". & some of this is done anonymously, so they don't even OWN their thoughts & words. Hiding behind fake names or emails ...claiming to care or be friends but can't even be honest. I have come to accept death. That was a hard journey. I might be farther along in my grief that some. It's an extremely personal journey. While I LOVE my son, Dexter.. I know that I woudldn't have my rainbow baby, Milo, had the outcome to Dexter's life been different. In my OWN JOURNEY, Dexter's purpose was to teach me about love, teach me about myself. Show me a path in life. He did so with the power of a hurricane. Turned my life upside down & even though the gaping hole in my heart remains, I am better for it. Instead of pouring hate, it is pouring love. I am being the mother & person I know he'd want me to be.

Let me be real for you here: My life is divided in two parts. BEFORE DEXTER & AFTER DEXTER. The relationships I had before my son died .. most of them stalled. Some stopped all together. I learned who were the real friends & who were the shadows. Unfortunately.. most people ended up in the shadow catagory. Fairweather friends. Relating to others who have not experienced this is sometimes difficult. Not impossible, but it can be problematic. Not because I want it to be but because they can't accept that my son will always be a part of me, I will always speak of him & won't change that for anyone.

Losing him was a pain worse than any I have ever experienced. But I REJOICE in knowing I was chosen to the mother to a special, wonderful boy. I REJOICE in the fact he entered me life, albeit swiftly, & I am THANKFUL for the time I had with him. The world is a better place in my eyes because he is in it. & I REJOICE that he is happy, in no pain & waiting for me to join him when my time comes. I know he is truly WHOLE where he is & that makes me heart burst. I truly believe what Albus Dumbledore said: "After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

At the end of this life, this journey.. I look forward to starting that adventure .. hand in hand with my son. 'til then, he will be in my heart, on my mind, on my tongue & shared with the world. He deserves it.

Wordless Wednesday (Day 2 of NaBloPoMo!)

National Blog Writing Month!

In an attempt to participate in NaBloPoMo for the month of November .. I am going to be trying to post a blog daily. I can't promise it's going to be horribly interesting, but I will try. My favorite part about writing is to be able to express myself in words without stumbling. I tend to stumble & stutter when talking. I can be clear & concise in text.

I think I will definitely be using the Wordless Wednesday thing for tomorrow though. ;)

Life is SO busy. Halloween is over & I wish it could be lasting a bit longer. I love Halloween. At least we'll be able to go to the Halloween store & get clearance stuff! We really look forward to that every year & we like to stock up. I plan on going to the Dollar Tree to get some harvest decorations so get things festive in here. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving a lot. :) Going to try to some new dishes this year & of course my green bean casserole.

I really could use a nap. But I need to start getting slowly ready for rehearsal for Miracle on 34th Street tonight.. looks like it will be a longer night .. 6-9pm. Trying to eat here since I am low on money since I had to make sure I put gas in the car I was using the last few weeks. Friday can't come fast enough. I only have a few bucks left 'til then. Ian always seems to get the impression if we leave the house I am buying him food. I literally don't have enough for that sort of thing right now. I might brew some coffee before I leave so I can bring some with me tonight. The last rehearsal was cut short due to a power outage at the theater. Exciting but we lost half the night.

SO sleepy.

Trying to figure out a few wedding snags having to do with certain guests/potential wedding party members. I might address this in the wedding blog later.. & try to do so with a certain tact where I don't name names. Not that this person even acknowledges my presence at all. I'm trying to keep my tongue only speaking good.. it can be a struggle.

I am working on a 30 Day Photography Challenge...

Day 1: Self Portrait. I am going to have so much fun with this! :) See you here again tomorrow for Wordless Wednesday!