Friday, October 7, 2011

A Puzzle That Can Never Be Finished

Posted by Leslie at 1:34 AM
We are getting my engagement ring today(Friday). This whole thing will a lot more real at that point. For the first time since my son died, I feel SO blessed. I have a wonderful fiance, amazing kids, my rainbow baby, now I am engaged & I even got cast in a musical (Miracle on 34th Street) this Christmas at the local community theater. This is probably the happiest I have been recently other than when we got to take Milo home from the long NICU stay. Yes, we are tired, sleep deprived, covered in baby chaos & spit up: but we are JOYOUS!

My fiance (I am LOVING saying that..) posted on his Facebook recently that a student at school said he looked different. He mentioned he had a different hairstyle but the student replied that no... it was that he looked HAPPY. We are happy & it's a wonderful feeling. It's nice when the world looks more filled with hope than hopelessness.

It's a balance though. As I start to plan my wedding, I think about who will be missing. My son, Dexter, won't be there in a little suit with his other siblings. Dexter would be 3 years, 8.1 months old on our wedding date. It's so hard to imagine what he would be like. How he'd look in his little suit. Would he look like his Daddy or his Mommy? Or like his siblings? What words would be saying? It feels like only yesterday I held him in my arms for those brief moments of life. Yet, it feels far away like a distant nightmare that my mind just can't shake. Sometimes I feel in limbo with my grief. I am grasping & holding tightly to this happy feeling.. but at the same time guilty for feeling so happy when something is indeed missing. Not to mention that my Dad died before he could meet our rainbow baby OR be here for my engagement & wedding. So again.. my Dad won't be able to give me away.

I am realizing that my life is a puzzle. A puzzle that is missing pieces of it. Pieces that are lost for an undetermined amount of time. I will just have to make do with the holes & figure out a way to try & cover them up with some bits of happiness.

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