Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Letters to Dexter (#1)

Posted by Leslie at 12:31 AM
I am starting a new series on my blog. I will have periodic letters to my son, Dexter, as entries.

Dear Dexter,

I wish I would have done this sooner. But maybe it's taken me this long to get the courage to write you letters. I think I tried at the beginning but I was just so overwhelmed by everything that it didn't last long. Here I am now. We are coming up on 3 years since you died in March. Sometimes I step back & look at my life & I can't believe that I live this. I think recently, though, I am feeling the happiest I have been since you went away.

Thank you for sending us our rainbow baby Milo. I know that you had a hand in choosing him especially for us. He looks so much like you. It amazes me to think that you are a big brother now. I think of you & still see a tiny baby in my arms. I wonder if you are aging in Heaven. If you are really a toddler there. I hope one day when I see you again.. I can hold you like a baby for a little while. I am sure it will happen. I know that I will be telling Milo all about you. I know that Milo might not be here had it not been for having a guardian angel brother looking out for him. He brings us so much joy. I know that he has brought some healing into our lives simply by being here with us.

As we approach the holidays, I am feeling your absence more. It is hard to be together as a family knowing there is a gaping hole where you should be. I do my best to work through it. Mommy & big brother Ian are doing another Christmas show at the theater. I know that it will help me get through the holidays again. Last year it really helped & I know it will this time too. It feels like such a long time ago really. I wish you could have been here with us so you could do shows one day too. I try to honor you when I do a show by wearing your picture on a pendant during one of the performances. When I do this.. I do it for you. I know you are watching & listening.

Thank you for touching Daddy's heart & letting him ask me to marry him. He made me the happiest person on the planet. I am looking forward to being his wife. I can't want to be a proper family. Well as close as possible. We won't be a whole family 'til we can be with you too. I plan on honoring you at our wedding.. I know you'll be there.

I miss you. You are forever my little boy & I love you.

Love,
Mommy

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